Thursday, August 20, 2015

Busy Bee

If you have read any of my posts, you have probably gleaned that I am a list maker. An almost compulsive list maker, at that. There is something about writing everything that needs to be down that allows me to better organize my thoughts and determine my priorities. I think underneath it all is a extreme desire for control. I need to know what needs to be done, when it needs to be done etc. Need for such detail and control stems from the fact that there is a lot going on in my life. Like everyone, I am busy. There is a baby that needs taking care of, a house that needs cleaning, bills to be paid, people to see, church to attend and the list goes on and on. The other evening I was contemplating the future a little. I am planning on going back to work in a couple of weeks. I have the extreme blessing of being able to work part time and take little baby with me. Even with this, the thought crept into my mind, "How are you going to do EVERYTHING? You can barely make it out of the house without forgetting something." (which is true, by the way, not just self-doubt.)
 The list making comes from feeling scattered. There are a billion different tasks and jobs racing through my mind. If it does not make it down on paper where my eyes can focus on it, it seems to slip through cracks. I set multiple reminders on my phone for little things, like taking my vitamins, and even more for bigger items, like doctor appointments. That scattered feeling freaks me out. It makes me wonder how I will ever accomplish anything well.
I am not coming down on being busy. You are going to be busy if you have a life. But this scattered feeling, this hurried, agitated forgetfulness, that is what is bad. It is an internal condition that no amount of list-making will solve. Our pastor summed up it best in this sermon series he was doing on the soul. It is not a long video if you want to watch it but essentially he is explaining difference from being busy versus hurried. Busyness is inevitable. Hurriedness is not. It is a condition of the soul. You can feel creep in. I do all the time. My mind will be racing and cannot focus on what is going on right in front of me. I cannot calm my mind and focus needs to be done right now because I am frantically thinking about the eleven other things that need to be done next. I do not want to live like this. I am not going to. I am 24 years-old. I have one a child, a dog, a husband, and soon a part time job. This is least busy I am ever going to be. It only gets harder from here. If I am this scattered now, how on earth am I going to be able to handle even a little bit more?
The answer is the grace of God and reliance on Him. Prayerful contemplation and solitude are vital. I am the worst offender when it comes to focussing on these things. I pride myself on being able to multitask. It is a blessing and curse. I get a lot of stuff done but I also feel compelled to be always be doing something. I have a hard time just sitting. But I need to just sit sometimes. To meditate on God, to read the Bible. Not because these things will make me feel better, but because they are the right things to do. Developing my relationship with Christ because it is exactly that, a relationship, not because I will feel less hurried in the end. That would be considered a selfish thing.
Sadly, I am incredibly selfish. I want to be just as busy but feel less hurried and I want it now. Spiritual formations do  not work like that. It is a slow process.
So what is the conclusion of these ramblings? I have a lot of stuff to do. I am selfish. I need Jesus. I need grace. We will see where I go from here.


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